Talk about Rollercoasters.....

By now, most of you have heard the news. Vosco is not in our home anymore. It is very likely that it will be about two years before he will be back.

Reed and I accompanied him to court this morning. Vosco took responsibility for his actions and plead guilty to the charge against him. It was a very difficult day.

I have found that it doesn't matter how many crime dramas you watch on TV, you have NO IDEA what the justice system is like until you experience it firsthand. Reed and I were instructed that we were to sit on either side of Vosco in the courtroom. Also, we were told we cannot touch him in any way while he is in custody.

I walked into the room first. I saw my boy turn and look at me with the most sullen expression on his face. Then I saw them.... shackles. He had handcuffs on with a chain that went down to join another chain that was attached to ankle cuffs. I was not expecting this.... I never know what to expect anymore.

I kept it together for the hearing. I had to consciously hold my hands together so I wouldn't accidentally touch him. I just wanted to hug him and let him know that we love him and that it will all be OK in time. Not today.

As Reed and I left the courtroom the ability to breathe left me... I started to hyperventilate and the tears.... oh boy! Those tears just flew out of my eyes. I completely fell apart! Some people needed to talk to us and we needed to get some paperwork so I had to get it together.

Then I got in the car. I don't think I have cried this hard since I lost my parents! The pain is very real, and you can actually feel the fissures expand in your heart. Finally, I understand the term "gut-wrenching." I would not recommend it for anyone.

As soon as I got in the car I was on the phone to my sister, Linda. I drove right to her house and just let it all out. I am so grateful for sisters.

Even amidst the confusion, pain and utter helplessness, there are small, tender mercies from my Father. He sneaks relief into my heart just as I am certain it will break beyond repair. The fissures close a bit and it makes it possible to find a little hope the next time my heart is rent wide.

Our baby, Ruby started therapy last Thursday. She really likes her therapist and I am confident that we have made a good choice there.

I pray we can be the parents BOTH of our children need. I can't begin to imagine how hard it was for my Father in Heaven to let us go... knowing the mistakes we would make. I can't imagine the pain that I have inflicted on my Savior.

It's funny, how help comes. A friend of mine asked me to help her daughter get ready for an audition and I was thrilled to do so. I made it clear that I was doing this for FUN - not money. Yet, the other day she handed me a thank you gift and a check for $140. That will come in so handy with the many bills and charges being incurred right now.

Once again, we have been reminded of the importance of a full tithe. Somehow, we are going to make it through this. Financially, physically, mentally and mostly Spiritually.

Thank you for not abandoning me.