August, Music and Meds.....

OK, I have been seriously lacking in my blogging of late. Actually, it is fair to say I have been seriously lacking in EVERYTHING lately.

Since April, I have felt myself falling in a spiral that didn't seem to end. I honestly thought I wouldn't ever land.... and if I did it certainly wouldn't be a graceful landing. Something more akin to those Rick's College students who, in the mid-80's, thought it a good idea to wear spike heels in the ice covered sidewalks that never saw the sunshine while those of us who knew better watched them and laughed as they unceremoniously landed on their backside. Yup, that is how I saw my life.

Well? Vosco is in a treatment program in American Fork, UT. I don't really know how long he will be there, but I know that he will not be coming home again..... well, not until he is an adult.

Slowly, I am coming to grips with the new definition of 'family' we will know from here.

Amidst all of this, I became more and more overwhelmed with the tasks associated with life. Cleaning house, doing laundry, cooking meals. You know, the Mom job. However, I could read. And read, I did. A LOT!

Finally, I forced myself to find a doctor to discuss the distinct possibility that my meds weren't very effective anymore. I have been on anti-depressants for about 16 years. After calling every psychiatrist listed on my insurance I found out that NONE of them are accepting new patients AND my GP won't touch anti-depressants with a 10 Foot Pole. YIPPEE!!!!! Finally, I found a doctor that is a D.O. (Have no idea what that means) BUT, he has written many books on depression and the treatment options available.

After asking me about a gazillion questions about my life, my family history and such it was decided that I was actually, Bi-Polar II. Without periods of great mania my symptoms will read to most as just your garden variety depression. He has put me on some new meds and I am actually thinking I may see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I was also suffering from HUGE anxiety attacks from Hell in 3-D. I couldn't even answer the phone! New drug.... anxiety is manageable.

My Heavenly Father has shown me many tender mercies that has helped me tremendously. A sister from my ward just popping over and helping me with my house. Conversations with two of my sisters who TOTALLY get me and can assure me, from their own experiences, that this, too, shall pass. A husband who silently fills in all the gaps left from my inability to function. A husband who loves me in spite of myself! A husband who is undeniably the most sensitive, loving and supportive man on the face of the planet.

Yes, my Father in Heaven still loves me. Life is going to be OK. Maybe even absolutely wonderful! I have every faith that it will be.